I remember
by Hawk Sister
Summary: [One-Shot] A Herald-Trainee reflects before making a decision that may change lives...


Why… why do I feel so empty? Like I just lost something, someone so close to me? And why can't I feel anything but the emptiness?

I slowly opened my eyes, looking around me. There was some sort of unreal flooring beneath me, like solidified clouds, and after a few footsteps in any direction the area disappeared, cloaked in thick mist.

_Where am I?_

_*You are here,* _came a strange voice that echoed in my mind the way my Companion's had, so recently but still so long ago. _*The Shadow Realms, the border between Life and the Havens.*_

I shrank back from the voice, though I couldn't tell where it was coming from. A man appeared from the mist, his dark hair falling to his shoulders and black eyes boring into my soul.

*Though you were not yet a full Herald when this passed, you still get the choices that a full Herald would receive, the choices that you would have received in years to come.*

_Choices?_ I thought, not thinking to speak aloud. After all, my Companion and I had spoken often enough in each other's minds, without even considering speaking. I vaguely wondered where she was.

*Yes, choices. You left unfinished duty in the realm of the living, you could return to complete it. Or you could return as a Companion. You may also enter the Havens. Finally, you could spend a period of time in a place where your wishes would be fulfilled.*

_Duty…_ The word stirred my memory again, and I wondered if perhaps the fog in this place was meant to make me forget. But forget what?

_My Companion, where is she?_ I started to worry, was she still safe? A gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach told me otherwise.

_*She's gone on already, but I cannot tell you where to. I am not permitted to, not until you've chosen your destination.*_ The figure looked … sad for a moment, as though he wished he could tell me.

_So I'm dead now, is that it?_ The man nodded shortly. _Will you at least let me remember?_ The man hesitated.

_*I don't know if I can let you.*_

I folded my arms stubbornly over my chest. _I can't choose until you let me remember._

_*Very well. Remember.*_

---

I remember sun on my face and wind in my hair. How grass crumpled under my bare feet, how I jerked my foot back when it encountered a rock hidden in the grass. How water fell from my hair, my chin and my nose when I got caught out in the rain. How my brother would laugh at us when we came in completely drenched and muddy.

I remember my brother, dearer than life itself to me. How whenever I was in trouble, he would always be there to share the blame, and how I would run to his side to do the same. How usually we should have shared it anyways. How even when no one wanted to be near me, when they thought I was cursed or crazy, he was there.

I remember madness, voices screaming in my mind till I passed out. How when I awoke, everyone would look at me funny, how there would always be some sort of disaster nearby. How I teetered on the verge of madness, only kept by one thing. My brother, who stood by me through parental rages and my own fits.

I remember salvation, a graceful white figure snatching me up from the edge on which I danced. How she looked into my eyes with her own beautiful blue ones, and spoke in my mind, banishing the shadows. How she told me that I would never be lonely again. How it was true, how she filled a spot that only my brother had ever even touched.

I remember a teacher who didn't _care_ who I was, what I was, so long as I tried. How she became a second mother to me, better, since she never pushed me away. How she found out what I was, and instead of abandoning me, fought for me when others looked at me strangely.

I remember myself, fighting for my family as they weren't there, though they might not have done the same for me. How I angered easily when they tried to blame my brother for things that were happening, as if he were somehow in control. How I felt riding my Companion, with her muscles moving under me, flying through Companion's Field.

I remember fighting, having to defend myself. Not against Herald-Trainees, but the Blues and nobles, who didn't like the idea of having one like me in the ranks of the Heralds. How finally they just avoided me, but still whispered to each other, snickering.

I remember a boy, a scared and lonely boy who hid within himself but pretended he was free, though it was a gilded cage. How he immersed himself in things he didn't even enjoy, and tried his best to forget what he did. How he drove my teacher wild as she tried to find the good in him, though few thought there was any. How I would try to help him, and was rebuffed.

I remember an impossible dream, a dream I never mentioned. How I yearned from afar, knowing that it wouldn't, couldn't happen, but dreaming all the same. How the bond drew me to him, kept me trying to reach past the shields. How he finally reached out to me, how the bond was returned, how it had warmed me to know.

I remember pain, pain that was not my own and pain in my heart. How I blacked out once more, how I fought to avenge him at any costs, make those who were responsible pay one-hundred-fold for his death. How I made him help me, though he did not want to. How I retaliated. How I paid.

I remember madness once more, as I plunged over the brink my Companion had once saved me from at the shattering of a second bond. How I had fallen to the cold, uncaring earth, weeping my loss. How I had turned to run, feeling stone beneath my feet as they slapped up the steps.

I remember staring up into the moonless sky, a velvet black blanket that stretched across the stars. How I looked down, down to the earth, and decided that it looked more welcoming than before. How the wind had rushed over me, around me, through me as I fell to the ground. How I shut my eyes to the quickly approaching ground, how I closed my mouth to the cries I wanted to loose, though I couldn't close my ears to the anguished scream of another.

I remember.

And it hurts.

---

_*Well?* _the man asked, looking at me. I sat up, realizing, much to my chagrin that somehow I had ended up sprawled on the ground with tears running down my face. _*Do you remember?*_

Yes.

_*It hurts, doesn't it?*_

_Yes._

_*Have you chosen?*_

_Yes and no. How is he?_

_*Hurting deeply. Nearly dead twice, but he heals, if slowly.*_

_Will he ever forgive me?_

_*No, but because he sees nothing to forgive. He blames himself.*_

Oh. I realized that it was his most likely reaction, he tended to blame himself before others. How could I have done it?

I sat there a moment, feeling the mists wrap themselves around him, smoothing the edges of the sharp soul-pains, making the memories more distant.

I choose life.

The dark-haired man smiled a bitter half-smile. _*I thought so, Herald of Valdemar. I thought so.*_

_Goodbye,_ I said, turning to return to the world of the living, not knowing just how I would return. _Wait! I will see him again, right?_

_*Yes, you will. But he may not recognize you.*_

_So long as I see him again. Farewell, Shadow Lover,_ I called to the personification of Death.

_*Goodbye, Herald of Valdemar. Till we meet again, if ever. Tylendel.*_ I do not look back, unsurprised that he knows my name.

---

Look! More stuff about Van and Lendel/Steph. My faves. ^_^

So, R&R, that I know what you think. After all, I'm not a Mindspeaker.


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